I Am Fire

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Life is full of decisions and crossroads. The choices you make and the experiences you have determine who you may become as a person. My life up to now has seemingly been one battle after another, always something to overcome, always some hardship to get through. I don’t believe in luck but if I did, i’d probably believe i have bad luck.

Where I have faced dilemmas around trauma, life, death, the people around me face dilemmas about boys.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of boy troubles, who hasn’t, and at the time it can really suck. No one is saying that those issues aren’t important to the person experiencing them but when you are fighting to keep your aunt alive, or scraping pennies together so you can eat, whether or not you want to stay with that boy can seem a little trivial.

And not all the tough times have been totally unavoidable. There have been times where i have been at one of those oh so loved crossroads, and I’ve had to choose: the easy road or the hard road?  Perhaps it is all those times having to hurdle obstacles that seemed utterly impossible ,or maybe it is something innate, but during these times i realise it’s not in my nature to take the easy way out. I believe in working hard and building character.  I realise that i am stronger than I thought. I am resilient. I am fire.

Time For a Change

The Beginning of Change
A beautiful day out with beautiful people; my friends, my second family.

Recently I’ve been thinking about life; who I am, who I have there for me, who those around me really are. Whilst I love my friends and my family I realise that things need to change.  I look around me, surrounded by the people I love but feeling utterly alone. I am a lightening rod absorbing the negativity and soaking up the tears that my friends and family cry, their unqualified, unofficial, therapist. I offer up myself, my energy, my everything so they can breathe a little easier and all the while i am suffocating… But where is my lightening rod? Where is my unofficial therapist? 

So yes, things must change. I don’t know yet what that change will be, or what it will mean, but I know it will be hard and I know it will be worth it. We cannot grow without change. I cannot grow.